My Story

First, and foremost, I'm not trying to sell you a sob story here. If that were the case, I could tell you about much worse things that have happened to me in my life. But that's not all I am. I've also had a lot of amazing moments, and I'm generally in a good place right now (other than financially). I don't want to remember my life so negatively, and I don't want to burden complete strangers with stories that aren't really relevant to the topic at hand. Granted, I am leaving out one major issue, my health, which does impact my ability to pay my student loans, but I don't really have the time, and I don't expect anyone to have the attention span, to listen to that tale (the one presented is more than long enough as it is)!  So let's just begin, with a few background details, that is.

My name is Kelly.

I grew up in a one-story ranch house with my parents, and two older brothers.

My mother got her associates in nursing when I was less than five years old. She just recently finished getting her bachelor's degree, and is now working on a master's program. My father graduated with bachelor's degrees in English, History, and Business, and he turned down graduate school (and a teaching position) because he had three young children he had to take care of. He became a stationary engineer at a hospital, instead.

My oldest brother dropped out of high school when he was sixteen (although he did eventually get his GED). My mother was simply tired of dealing with the school, because my brother was constantly getting in trouble (often arrested) for issues related to drugs. In fact, he had a pretty severe drug addiction. I'll never forget the time we visited him, and saw him literally in a white padded room with a straight-jacket on. He had broken his own arm, and claimed the police told him to do it (he still hears voices to this day, long after he became clean). It was the first time I ever saw my mother cry. When his daughter was born, things changed. He changed. He got married, stopped smoking, and generally became a much nicer person to be around. However, it wasn't long before he was back to his old ways. Not with drugs, but alcohol (he is still an alcoholic). Long story short, he and my ex-sister-in-law divorced (after having their second child). I know he's my brother, and my whole family blames it on her, but it was really his fault. When she moved out, and I started watching the kids at her place, she begged me not to tell my brother where she was living (he has previously tried to rape her). Before the divorce, she often asked me for help with money, because my brother was constantly spending/stealing. This was always a problem of his. He now lives at home with my parents. My niece also  lives there full-time, and my nephew is there about 80% of the time. My parents can't seem to see, or else refuse to deal with, his behavior. They are currently still working to pay off thousands upon thousand of dollars worth of his debt. If I can name one redeeming quality of his, and it's really the only one I can, is that he's a hard worker when it comes to earning money.

My other brother was my best friend growing up. He definitely got the worst of it from my dad. I wouldn't say I was spoiled, but because I was a girl, and because my parents seem to worship my oldest brother, my dad always yelled at him the most. He was basically a slave around the house. He still lives there. He was kicked out of college at the end of his freshman year (my parents still had to pay the full year's worth), and I believe he went to two or three community colleges after that, but never finished. We got along well growing up, because we were able to confide in each other over the insanity that we witnessed in our household on a daily basis. But he's changed a lot in the past few years. I'm not actually sure if he works, anymore. He's obsessed with online poker, and he's good at it, but he's also thousands of dollars in debt due to frequent Vegas trips. He also started using drugs, which has basically turned him into a person I no longer recognize (though I will always love him). His is a sadder story to me than my oldest brother's, because he is quite smart, and really had a lot of potential in life.

As for myself, well, I don't want to pretend that I am without faults. And I am certainly not telling you about my brothers in an attempt to make you feel sorry for me. I just want you to understand where my frustration comes from: When I was growing up, I was a pretty good kid. I did very well in school, rarely got in trouble, never smoked/drank/did drugs/had sex, etc. My parents never told me to not do these things. I suppose I mostly just learned from watching my brothers. :| What my parents (and teachers) did tell me, was that if I did well in school, I could "be anything" I wanted to be! Yep. They actually told me that quite often, and I believed it. I thought the process was: Get good grades, get into a good college, go to college, happiness. No one told me that you actually have to have money to go to college, regardless of how good you did in high school. I know it's a bit naive, but I kind of think that was my job as a teenager, to be naive. Anyway, reality set in when I realized that my parents weren't going to be able to help me much, because they spent everything they have on my brothers (hence, the slight resentment). And while I did well in school (e.g., ranked 20 out of about 750), it wasn't actually good enough to get financial packages that would cover the costs of any really good schools.

But I wasn't going to let that deter me. Since I didn't actually know what I wanted to major in, and because I thought it would be more responsible, I decided to start out at the local community college. I was a bit... snobbish about it at first. I assumed it was for people who were basically too dumb to get into a "real school," but let me tell you, I have never felt more ashamed about an assumption. I loved it there, but that's not something I really recognized until I transferred to my current school.

Why did I chose this private school? Again, naiveté, plus a bit of ego and desperation. Living under the environment I described earlier was absolutely toxic for me. I suffered a really bad bout of depression, and after digging myself out tooth and claw, I pretty much swore to never go back to that place. I HAD to get out of my parent's house. Any means necessary. So admittedly, I wasn't thinking entirely straight. Second, I still thought I was above "state schools." I was smart! I deserved to go to a more prestigious school! Yes, I clearly was not wise. And finally, I thought a private school would be perfectly affordable after spending 2 1/2 years at a community college. I picked my specific school for only 2 reasons, though: 1) They had a very clear guide about how courses would transfer and 2) They had a reputation for being a service learning oriented school.

I guess at this point if I start complaining about how much I regretted my decision I'll just sound like one of those people who can never be happy with what they have. Maybe I am, though, because I pretty much dreaded this place the moment I stepped foot here. For one, they are not nearly as organized as I was anticipating. It was, and still is, an absolute hassle to accomplish the most basic things, like paying a bill (hello, I WANT to give you money!). Speaking of which, the hike in cost was what really got me. During my first semester (I transferred in during the Spring), I got ZERO financial help, even though I sought it out. I received no direct subsidized or even unsubsidized loans or grants. I had to take out a huge Federal PLUS loan, and another substantial unsubsidized Stafford loan. I can't even tell you how many tears I have cried out of frustration in the bursar's office. My favorite part was there sage advice that, "perhaps college just isn't right for" me, or "maybe you should drop out for a semester and save up money" (this is still the most out of touch with reality statement I have heard uttered at my school, which is actually saying a lot). It wasn't until the following Fall that I was basically able to figure out the process on my own, but I'll get into that later.

Anyway, the whole cost thing was pretty hard to swallow when I reflected on my days at the community college. I really had amazing professors. Every single one. I loved them all. I enjoyed it there, because the price tag allowed me to really explore my interests by taking classes that didn't necessarily meet any academic requirements. And I was very involved in the community. I was an officer in Phi Theta Kappa, and was able to do tons of volunteer work. I was also involved in several school clubs, and sports medicine, which gave me a sense of school pride. I was really invested in that school and community. I loved the racial, ethnic, class, and age diversity as well.

It was really a shock when I transferred to my new school. I remember my first day walking around campus. There were literally packs of girls, all wearing the same North Face sweaters and Ugg Boots. I also realized that there weren't many minorities on campus. And during my first semester, there was an older woman in one of my classes. I didn't think twice about it, but a lot of the other students in my classes looked at her like she were an alien. I actually explained to one girl that it was common for women to go back to school after having children. In other classes, I had to constantly listen to kids basically brag about how wealthy they were growing up, and not understand that not everyone lives the same way. And I still have had good teachers, but they haven't really been any better than the ones I had at the community college. But the absolute worst part was being disconnected. For a school that loves to promote its service learning opportunities, most of the student body is really cut off from the surrounding community, which is sad, because it's one of the most diverse places in the country!

Now, I realize I'm probably coming off like I think I'm better than everyone here. I really don't. I'm just trying to explain how and why I feel so out of place. It simply wasn't the environment I expected to find myself in. And not being involved has really been devastating for me, because it's so counter to who I am as a person. Fortunately, I live with my amazing boyfriend (that's a whole other story). He's actually a nice guy. Not one of those nice guys who says he's nice, but is actually just a spineless, emotional manipulator. He was what pulled me out my deep depression long ago, and he has constantly been one of the few people in life that keeps me going and smiling (the others being my niece and nephew). But still, I wish I had more of a connection to my school.

So that's my rant about my university. It's really the reason why my student loans are so unbearable to me. I simply feel like they haven't been worth it. I mean, I love learning. I'm one of those people who thrives in a structured educational environment (I recognize that it's not for everyone, of course). I actually want to be in college! And I adore my major, anthropology, and my minor, urban studies. I know some people might be rolling their eyes at how impractical a choice that was, but I don't care. It's perfect for me. Even if it means finding a job after graduation is bit more difficult. So anyway, I can't say I regret it entirely. I just wish I could enjoy this stage of my life without the added stress of extreme financial concerns.

Speaking of which. The loans. I was able to pay out-of-pocket for all of my expenses at the community college. But after tallying it all up, it looks like my currents loans include:
$11,640 (Federal PLUS loan), $10,988.25 (Unsubsidized Stafford loan), and $10,948 (Subsidized Stafford loan), for a total of $33,576.25 (not including the interest that has been accruing). And again, that's for only 2 1/2 years worth of education (none of that went towards books, rent, food, etc.).

I look at that number, $33,576.25, and my heart just sinks. Even now my eyes are tearing up. How did it get so bad? As of now, I have zero prospects lined up for after graduation. I have this silly dream about going to graduate school, but then I see that number again.

I wasn't really worried about student loans at first. I always thought, "If I can't pay them off, then I won't," but that line of thinking doesn't really work anymore. I would someday like to get married to that amazing boyfriend I was telling you about, but I absolutely won't allow it with this kind of debt on my side. And trust me, he's willing to help, but he's not really in the position to himself. He dropped out of college a semester before he graduated (an English major), due to his depression. But he paid off all his student loans, and has been working ever since (albeit for less than $9 an hour), while still managing to save. He really wants to go back to school for computers, but it's kind of impossible if I'm not working. Did I mention that when we met, he lived 700 miles away? He quit his job, and relocated to be with me, because I was tethered to my current school. Yes, he really is that amazing.

And as for my parents, they really aren't the enemy I made them out to be. The day I left home my relationship with them improved ten-fold. And they have helped me out as much as they possible can financially (they refinanced the house). I have let go of all the things from my childhood that made me resent them, and I am grateful for how giving they have been. I also know they are supporting four other children (yes, I call my brothers children :)), and it genuinely hurts me every time I ask them for something.

So here I am. Feeling stuck. I don't see any additional help coming, and I don't even feel right asking for it. I know I've gotten my own self in this mess, as much as I might like to shift the blame to other people. And I know it's normal for people to spend a long time paying off student loans, but I don't understand why. It seems so wrong to me.